Freedom of Sexual Fantasies

I’m concerned about my husband’s use of fantasies during our sexual encounters. He says he can no longer finish [climax] without relying on them. Are all sexual fantasies bad?

God has created us with a powerful mind. We are able to think, imagine, and enrich the joy in our lives with many new and creative ideas. This holds true for our sexual lives as well.

Unfortunately, for many Christians, sexual fantasies carry a negative association. This need not be the case. A fantasy is simply mental imagery that is not inherently right or wrong. When used well, sexual fantasies can actually be helpful in building a passionate and intimate marriage.

Sexual fantasies may entail images of being romantically involved with someone, being close, loving, and intimate, for example. They might involve thoughts about engaging in dramatic and exciting plots, with a wide range of novel settings and activities. And they might also include reflections of visual and auditory sensations, incorporating a variety of erotic images and attention to sexual anatomy.

These different preferences are neither right nor wrong, and both men and women engage in a dynamic array of erotic fantasies.

There are, however, gender differences that can lead to misunderstandings. For example, many women delight in fantasies involving romantic, emotional, and personal encounters. While on the other hand, many men enjoy fantasies focused on the physical aspects of sex and the novelty of sexual encounters, without necessitating an emotional attachment.

A wife might take it personally and be hurt if she assumes her husband’s fantasies reveal his true desire to be emotionally involved with someone else. However, his fantasies likely have nothing to do with being romantically involved with someone else, and are simply pointing to a desire for creative variety within the marriage itself.

Fantasies can be a powerful tool to enhance lovemaking. Still, they can certainly be distorted and misused. This happens when they involve sinful material or when they are so essential that sexual response has become depended upon them.

Clearly, engaging in sinful thoughts would hinder our ability to fully and truly love each other. Our fantasies need to be free from sin.

Love can also be blocked if we become so attached to a particular image we can no longer be present with our spouse. This happens whenever we have to tune out our spouse and enter into our mental world in order to be aroused or reach climax. The issue here is not the fantasy itself, but rather the way it distracts our attention from Love in the present moment.

Our sexual fantasies should remain free, free to be enjoyed and free to be set aside, all in the service of Love.

Practicing the freedom of sexual fantasies allows you to cultivate a marriage bed that is intimate, playful, and passionate.

Are your fantasies reflecting God’s purpose for sexuality? Are you free to enjoy your fantasies and free to set them aside for the sake of Love? How can you use mental imagery to magnify love and intimacy in your marriage?

As a counselor, my passion is to help others reach their full God-given potential relationally, sexually, and spiritually. I do this by creating a personal space for individuals and couples, free from the demands of others, to thoughtfully attend to the important and sensitive areas of their life. I work as an ordained Christian minister, licensed marriage and family therapist, and certified sex therapist in private practice in Suwanee, GA.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

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2 thoughts on “Freedom of Sexual Fantasies

  1. You are one filthy man. How in the world do you consider yourself a minister and still tell people that sexually fantasizing about other people, while married, is not wright or wrong. If you were a true minister you would know that these people are committing adultery in their minds and you are condoning this Matthew 5:28. You only have a form of Godliness not true spirit of God. I will seek other therapists and advise the public to so so as well. I will direct everyone to this page so they can see what you stand for.

    • Layla,

      Thank you for your comments. I am sorry if the article seemed to give permission for individuals to use their freedom as an opportunity to sinfully lust after others; this was certainly not my intent. Rather, my desire was for individuals to learn how to use their freedom as an opportunity to love one another. In this case, how to use the power of their minds (through good fantasies) to creatively enhance the lovemaking in their marriage, which would not include fantasizing about other people. It seems I need to be clearer on this point in the future. Blessings!