The Nature of Sexual Fantasies

“More Than a Cigar”

I have never told my wife or anyone about my sexual fantasies. They are too dark and perverted. I don’t understand them and wish I didn’t have these recurring thoughts.

It can be embarrassing to share our private sexual thoughts with another. What will he think? What if I really am messed up? Will she still love me if she actually knew the thoughts running through my mind?

Understandably, we often keep this private and personal side of our sexuality to ourselves. It might even be easier to engage in wild and adventurous sex with our spouse than to disclose our deepest sexual thoughts and fantasies.

It is easier to give our bodies than to reveal our hearts, and sharing fantasies inherently exposes something about our hearts.

Fantasies can point to hidden themes in our story. There is a reason I am drawn to these particular images and not others. However, this reason might not always be as it appears on the surface.

In the field of psychoanalysis, it has been said “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,” and sometimes it represents a phallic symbol.

The statement is understood as a warning to psychoanalysts not to over analyze each element of a client’s dream or story. Sometimes a cigar doesn’t have any deeper meaning to explore; it is just a cigar.

This is true for our sexual fantasies as well. At times, fantasies can be exactly as they appear, desired and pursued for their face value. At other times, and maybe more often, the fantasy points to hidden desires within us. In these cases, we must use care in interpreting our sexual thoughts, viewing them more symbolically.

For instance, a fantasy about a coworker, neighbor, or friend might simply reveal a desire to know them better, rather than a literal desire to have sex with them. Images involving women might point to a longing for comfort and soul-nurturing beauty reflected in the feminine form, rather than a desire for female anatomy per se. Likewise, images of men might highlight one’s craving for the life-giving energy and strength reflected in the masculine form.

Again, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and the fantasy points to a literal desire for a specific person or behavior. Many other times, the fantasy is a clue into the mystery of our story, revealing hidden aspects of our selves.

Fantasies often serve us better as icons to contemplate rather than concrete objects to pursue.

Ask yourself:

Why am I drawn to these particular images? What are they telling me about myself? my history? my current relationships and longings? What are they revealing about my deeper desire for God?

Open our eyes, Father. Show us when we have allowed our sexual fantasies to distort Your truth. Teach us to search for and to see the original goodness and beauty You intended for our sexuality. Give us a holy vision for our erotic imagination.

As a counselor, my passion is to help others reach their full God-given potential relationally, sexually, and spiritually. I do this by creating a personal space for individuals and couples, free from the demands of others, to thoughtfully attend to the important and sensitive areas of their life. I work as an ordained Christian minister, licensed marriage and family therapist, and certified sex therapist in private practice in Suwanee, GA.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

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