Sexual Styles of Relating for Men

Most guys desire to experience a passionate and free sexual life but are often unaware of how their own fear, shame, and frustration blocks their fulfillment. Discovering our style of relating sexually helps us to bring our true authentic self to this part of our life.

Instead of fears and insecurities leading us to hold back our sexual energy and “move away,” we can experience peace and allow our sexual relationship to breathe with unforced rhythms of grace.

Rather than hiding our shame by “moving toward” and trying to impress our partner by our performance, we can become a servant of joy who generously offers unmerited affection and pleasure to our partner.

Instead of allowing sexual frustration to cause us to “move against” and aggressively get want we want, we can courageously act to move our sexual relationship toward its highest good.

While we might have a predominant style of relating in our false self, it is likely that we also move to all three positions at different seasons in the marriage, and maybe even within the same day.

Certainly, when it comes to the true self, all three styles are needed at different times in the relationship.

There are times when life happens, when one of us is sick, tired, or just otherwise unavailable, and it is good for us to exercise our freedom to focus on other meaningful aspects of our marriage.

At other moments, our wife may struggle to love us well and yet we are still called to move toward her, cherishing her and communicating our delight in her.

There will also be other times when we need to shake up the status quo and initiate tough conversations as we fight for God’s best for our sexual relationship.

Check out the chart below.

What is your predominant style of relating sexually when in service of your false self? How have you experienced ways of maturing in all three styles in the service of love from your true self?


As a counselor, my passion is to help others reach their full God-given potential relationally, sexually, and spiritually. I do this by creating a personal space for individuals and couples, free from the demands of others, to thoughtfully attend to the important and sensitive areas of their life. I work as an ordained Christian minister, licensed marriage and family therapist, and certified sex therapist in private practice in Suwanee, GA.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

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