We all want to be wanted. And this helps to validate our identity and worth – confirming we have what it takes to bring goodness to others. But all too often we take these deep questions to the wrong source, which can leave us feeling rejected, broken, or merely tolerated when others don’t express the passionate desire for us we crave.
For instance, this plays out for many of us sexually. We feel on top of the world when our wife desires us, and worthless when she doesn’t. As such, sex is no longer a vehicle to give and receive love, and has become the testing ground for our worth. Our insecurity causes us to assume she’s merely placating us when she’s not overflowing with spontaneous desire, which makes it hard for us to receive her simple yet faithful decisions to love us.
Our immaturity and doubts place a burden on her she was never meant to bear. Being desired by our wife is but a dim reflection of God’s desire for us. And we must let God answer the deep questions of our heart before taking such questions to our wife. Once God has validated our identity, worth, and strength then we’re free to receive our wife’s affirmation without pressure or demand. Because we’re already chosen by God we no longer have to anxiously seek to be chosen again and again through our wife’s desire.
Of course, it’s still great when her passionate desire is present and disappointing when it’s not. But our ultimate worth is no longer tied to the ebb and flow of her desires. And this keeps us from poisoning the sexual atmosphere in our marriage with our own desperation. She’s free to love without the fear of hurting our fragile ego. And we’re free to love from our strength as a man rather than like a puppy constantly needing reassurance.
In the end, let God answer the deep questions of your heart before taking these questions to your wife. He’s the only one who can ultimately validate your strength and worth. And it frustrates everyone when you look to your wife’s desires to answer these questions for you.
Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
