We’re taught from a young age that following the rules keeps us out of trouble. And this is a mindset we’ve often brought into marriage as well – believing that if we can just check all the right boxes then we can keep our wife happy and our marital life will run smoothly. But when this is more about our own self-preservation and avoiding conflict then we’ve failed in our duty to love. We must grow beyond mere good behavior externally to cultivate a heart of true and mature love.
On the one hand, it’s helpful to discover and avoid pushing our wife’s buttons unnecessarily. And much of this might be related to our communication skills, courtesies with how we spend our time, how we care for the living space in our home, and the like. In short, managing our personal behaviors and accommodating to her desires goes a long way to keeping the peace.
But it’s a mistake to assume that simply maintaining such good behavior on our side of the street is the same as loving our wife well. Much of what we consider good behavior in marriage is merely establishing a civil and respectful relationship with each other. Of course, this is better than being inconsiderate, but it’s not the same as love.
All too often our good behavior in marriage is simply to keep our wife off our back. We’re doing it to make life easier for us rather than out of genuine care and concern for her heart. And, in this way, our actions, while still good, are also selfish.
To grow in love we must go beyond appeasing her expectations to fully entering into her world and engaging her heart. Instead of remaining self-focused on our behavioral report card as it were, we shift our focus to start considering the needs of her heart. This frees us to stop trying to be the “good boy” and to discover how to love her from our strength – bringing true life and goodness into her world.
In the end, love is not being a “good boy” and toeing the line of your wife’s expectations; it’s truly seeking to care for her heart and not just check off tasks.
