Guilt is an appropriate feeling whenever our actions have caused harm to another. And it’s only right for us to take responsibility for our actions and to make amends as best as we can. But this responsibility is not absolute. Those who harm and who have been harmed each have their own healing journey, which the other cannot take for them.
For instance, if we did something to cause our wife to proverbially break her leg, then we’re responsible for the damage we caused. And we should do everything in our power to support her in her healing journey today, and not cause any more damage in the future. But while we have our part to play, we cannot do physical therapy for her. To be sure, it’s not fair that our actions now require her to go to rehab, but she must still take responsibility for her part if she wants to walk again. And, of course, this remains true if the roles were reversed and she was the one to break our leg.
On the one hand, guilt motivates us to own our part and make the situation right. But this doesn’t mean we take responsibility for the healing journey of others. As much as our actions have caused them pain, and this should stir our compassion toward them even more, we still cannot do their work for them.
In the same way, we must not hinder our healing journey by harboring bitterness and resentment toward others who have harmed us. The pain and trauma inflicted on us is not our fault, and yet we remain responsible for our own healing journey. We stay stuck whenever we keep looking to others to do for us what we must do for ourselves.
In the end, take responsibility for your own healing journey and support others in theirs without assuming you can do their work for them.
