It seems we often fear wanting too much sex. And so we tend to downplay our desires to avoid appearing immature and selfish. But the issue is not necessarily in the desire itself, but rather in how we frame it. It’s helpful to make distinction between our ideal, realistic, and actual sexual frequencies.
In short, ideal is what we might desire in a perfect world, or what we would desire if we didn’t have to navigate the normal ups and downs of life and relationships. Realistic is the frequency that is within the realm of possibilities, though it might take intentionality and effort to maintain. This might also be our goal or benchmark to set the rhythm of our frequency. Actual is then what is currently taking place.
The ideal
Naming the ideal helps us to count the cost, especially when there’s a large discrepancy between this desire and our actual experience. This allows us to be conscious of the sacrifices we’re making so we can then be intentional about managing our sexual energy accordingly.
Perhaps it’s grieving what we don’t have so we can gratefully accept what we do, or learning to channel this desire into other appropriate outlets. We’re more vulnerable to temptation when we’re not aware of the cost required of us to sacrifice our ideal preferences.
On the other hand, naming the ideal also gives us a vision to work toward. Instead of settling or becoming complacent, we’re able to keep our eyes open to opportunities for growth.
The realistic
Naming the realistic helps us to state what’s possible given our normal and expected challenges in life. Of course, this might change from one season to the next depending on our work demands, the age of our children, social commitments, and the like. But, as we audit our life, naming what’s realistic gives us a reasonable goal to shoot for in our sex life.
This is not to set anything in stone. Life will still happen and it’s good to remain flexible. But this might alert us to when we’re out of balance in other areas. Have we overcommitted ourselves (or our kids) in our social engagements, getting distracted with surfing online, not getting enough sleep, or just being lazy? Whatever the case, we’re challenged to make the needed corrections to maintain our reasonable goals sexually.
The actual
Naming the actual is being honest with what is currently taking place. This is not to complain or blame, but simply to get a clear assessment of our present rhythms. We need to know where we are today to move to where we want to go tomorrow.
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In the end, you don’t have to feel bad for wanting sex even beyond what’s realistic. Just learn to name it as your ideal and not as a demand or expectation. Making distinctions between what’s ideal, realistic, and actual brings greater clarity, freedom, and responsibility into your sex life.
Photo by Pavel Danilyuk on Pexels
