We cannot love by remaining cold and detached from others. But love does not mean we become completely fused either. True love expresses itself through a mature union – connected while remaining distinct. And we grow as men by learning to adopt this posture throughout our life and relationships.
On the one hand, it’s tempting to stay disconnected. And there is a sense in which life is simpler when we don’t have to navigate relational emotional landmines. But we cannot fulfill our duty to bring more life and goodness into the world by remaining isolated.
At the same time, interacting with others doesn’t require us to lose ourselves in the relationship. We’re merely faking the peace when we assume we must take on the feelings of others as our own. Their bad day becomes ours, and we expect the same from them.
However freeing it might seem to be unattached, this is not the path of love. And however romantic it might appear to be emotional twins, this is not a picture of mature union. In fact, we’re acting as immature boys when we swing to such extremes.
Maturity requires us to know how to hold on to ourselves while staying in contact with others. We’re neither dismissing nor walking on eggshells to accommodate them. We can weep or rejoice with others without denying the reality of our own experience.
For instance, love calls us to be aware of, and responsive to, our wife’s emotional world. But this does not mean we let her feelings set the mood for us, or the emotional atmosphere in our home. We grow in maturity by seeking to stay connected with her while also staying grounded and true to our duty as a husband and father.
Where have you settled for detachment? Or confused fusion with union? What would it require to establish a mature union in your marriage and beyond?
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
