We often pit agape and eros against each other when it’s best to consider how they work together. When left unchecked by agape, eros can cause many problems. But this doesn’t mean agape is sufficient by itself. In fact, to truly agape we must also cultivate and steward eros.
To be sure, many of us are first acquainted with eros. While our sexual awakening brings a very embodied and concrete focus to this passion, it’s not just about sex. It’s a passionate desire to connect with all that’s true, good, and beautiful in life. But left on its own it becomes a selfish pursuit; we’re concerned about our own interest rather than serving others.
And it’s here agape comes to elevate it. It doesn’t replace eros, but it does refine it and bring it into a higher service of love – looking out for the interest of others and not just ourselves. As such, even our sexual expressions become a true vehicle of love – using our very bodies to bring life, goodness, and blessing. We enjoy the pleasure we receive while also becoming ministers of joy in how we offer our very selves.
But agape doesn’t just purify eros, it demands the cultivation of eros whenever it’s been repressed or otherwise neglected. This is certainly true in marriage. We’re missing the mark in love and the true faithfulness of our marriage vows when we let fear, shame, distraction, or laziness keep us from stewarding the sexual part of our life. Eros allows agape to be embodied – making our love a lived experience and not merely a theological concept. How can we say we love God but neglect offering one of the most passionate ways we receive love in marriage?
In the end, agape and eros harmonize and enhance each other. And while agape is the higher love, sometimes it demands cultivating eros to fully answer its high call.
