We want to be fully seen and known by others, but we also fear being exposed. As such, we tend to focus on what we want others to do for us rather than taking the risk to speak for ourselves – sharing our own vulnerable hearts. But this risk is worth it to move closer toward the depths of intimacy we desire.
For instance, in marriage, we might focus on areas of improvement for our wife. And, to be fair, we might be rightly naming many things that need attention. But we risk sabotaging our intimacy when the focus remains on what she needs to do rather than simply sharing our deep heart desires.
It’s easier, for example, to blame our wife for being disrespectful, selfish, or for constantly nagging, than to share our desires for respect, consideration, or affirmation. The former focuses on her shortcomings, while the latter on the things important to us.
And while it might seem that if we could just get her to change, then we would be better off as well. But rarely is this the case. On the one hand, she’s likely to become defensive when she doesn’t feel like our blame is warranted. And even if she accepts it as true, she’s still focusing on her actions and not our heart. For instance, she might stop nagging, but this doesn’t guarantee she’ll then start affirming our efforts. She did what we asked, but the desires of our heart remain neglected when we don’t take the risk to share.
Speaking for ourselves is courageously sharing what we want and why it’s important to us. The focus is on the desires of our heart and not the shortcomings of others. Of course, we still might not get what we want, but we’ve at least made the path clearer.
In the end, blaming others doesn’t help in honoring the desires of your heart. Taking the risk to speak for yourself and share your vulnerable heart does.
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