Suffering allows us to learn. And naturally we then want to help others avoid the same mistakes and struggles we endured. But we often project our story onto others and become very sophomoric in our attempts to help.
The sophomore is not a freshman, he’s been around the block a few times and he does have experience to offer. But he has not yet gained the wisdom to separate his story from others, or to know when to offer what advice. This can leave him feeling dejected when others don’t readily adopt his counsel, and others exasperated when they don’t feel heard and understood by him.
Of course, our desire to help is good. And God regularly uses our painful lessons for the benefit of others. But we must take wisdom with us. For instance, just because we were made fun of in school, overlooked for a promotion, or it took years to finally discover our sweet spot in work doesn’t mean our wife, kids, or loved ones will have this same experience. And it’s a mistake to act as if they will. We’re no longer helping them when we do, but rather just trying to relive and revise our story through them. Here’s what we would’ve done differently.
Certainly, we can freely offer these personal experiences and reflections when this is helpful. But we must stay focused on the other’s story and not our own.
The wise approach in offering advice is sharing the general principles we’ve learned more than the particular applications. This allows us to share what we’ve learned without making assumptions or robbing others of their agency to navigate their own story. For example, here’s how we’ve had to handle suffering, disappointment, humility, and the like.
Sophomoric advice tends to leave everyone frustrated.
In the end, don’t get stuck as a sophomore in your efforts to help others. Use your experience while taking wisdom with you – truly caring for others and not merely projecting your story onto theirs.
Photo by Creative Christians on Unsplash
