Insecurity and shame are common experiences for us all. And part of our journey toward maturity is learning to recognize and care for these young parts within. But we shortchange our growth whenever we project our insecurities onto others – attempting to make them responsible for our own anxieties and fears.
Of course, others will push our buttons in all sorts of ways. This is a basic reality of any relationship. But others pushing our buttons do not make them responsible for our buttons. The buttons are still ours to manage. And this remains true even after we set boundaries and make respectful requests of others.
For instance, perhaps we were cheated on in the past, or otherwise made to question if we were truly worthy of love and belonging. Or maybe the guilt of our own sins still haunts us. Either way, this wound can leave us with a lingering suspicion in all our future relationships. And now every innocent look, comment, or interaction our wife makes is filtered through our insecurities and doubts. What we deem as questionable or outright inappropriate is more about managing our own fears than any objective wrong our wife might be doing.
To be sure, multiple things can be true at the same time. And it’s quite possible that others do need to clean up their act in some way. But we’re called to address the log in our own eye before addressing the speck in our brother’s. And, in this case, this means we must seek healing for our own insecurities first, otherwise our vision remains distorted and we’re prone to see faults where there are none.
In the end, don’t make others responsible for your insecurities. Focus on finding the healing you need to love freely without trying to control others to manage your own anxieties.
