It takes time to recognize the many unspoken expectations we bring into marriage. And often we remain stuck for years, wishing things were different and growing frustrated when nothing seems to change.
But as our fantasies die, we become free to move toward and love the actual person standing before us.
Every marriage contains a funeral. And strangely enough, this is often the path toward greater freedom and delight.
The Burden of Expecting Too Much
Too often we ask more of our spouse than they were ever meant to provide. We want them to satisfy the deepest aches and longings of our soul.
Certainly, our spouse is a gift. And part of the beauty of marriage is learning how to bring good to this particular person and receiving the good they offer in return. But even on their best day, they are not God. There will always be a gap between what we desire and what others can provide.
Your Spouse Was Never Meant to Be God
Our hearts ultimately long for an infinite love that only God can satisfy. And it’s too much to place this burden on another person. But when we release this burden, we can both breathe a little easier. The marriage becomes lighter.
This is not an excuse to neglect growth or settle for less than God’s best. It is simply a recognition that our limitations are not flaws in the design. They are part of what it means to be human.
God has created us as finite creatures, and our finitude continually reminds us that He alone is the source of life, goodness, and love. Whatever we receive through our spouse is a dim reflection at best, and this was never meant to replace God himself.
And remembering this changes the way we approach marriage.
Learning to Receive Rather Than Demand
We begin receiving what our wife offers with gratitude rather than demand. We stop trying to manage the relationship according to our personal expectations. And we become less preoccupied with fixing every imperfection and more attentive to the person before us.
The Joy Hidden Inside Finitude
As a result, joy and playfulness begin to emerge. Curiosity replaces control. Affection grows where resentment once lived.
This does not mean ignoring areas where growth is needed or pretending sin does not matter. It simply means we are no longer trying to force our wife or our marriage to conform to the terms of our fantasy.
Loving the Real Person Before You
Instead, we begin delighting in the real person in front of us.
This is not always easy. And it often exposes the depth of our own pride and selfishness. Yet as we loosen our grip on the idol of the ideal spouse, we become free to discover something far richer.
We discover the mystery of another soul.
We discover unexpected beauty.
We discover the joy that comes from loving someone as they are rather than as we wish they would be.
The Freedom of Loving a Human Being
Marriage was never intended to fill us completely. It was designed to teach us how to love. To love a finite and flawed person. To love someone who bears the image of God in all the beauty and messiness of their humanity.
Our fantasies promise perfection, but they can only deliver disappointment. Reality offers something much better: The freedom of loving a person in real life.
Your wife is simply human. And this is precisely what makes her a gift.
