It is right and proper to grieve the many deaths we experience in this life. There is wisdom in spending time at the graveside, remembering and reflecting on what has been lost.
But life continues.
Eventually, we must leave the cemetery and face the reality that remains.
In marriage, after we have allowed our fantasies to die and buried the idealized expectations we placed on one another, we must decide what to do with the person still standing before us.
Love Requires More Than Presence
It is not enough to simply remain legally married or physically present. Love requires more than proximity. It requires giving our heart and soul to each other in love.
We cannot truly love our spouse while remaining preoccupied with who we want them to be—or even who they once were—that we fail to see who they are today.
You Cannot Love an Idea
Ideas and dreams may be admirable, but love always engages reality.
This is the example set by Jesus himself. Rather than loving mankind from a distance, He took on flesh and dwelt among us. He entered the concrete realities of human life with all its limitations, disappointments, and sorrows.
In the same way, if we are to embody love, we must be willing to enter the unique, messy, and particular world of our wife.
Following the Example of Christ
Christ loved us while we were still sinners. He did not wait for us to get our act together. He did not withhold His love until we became easier to love. Nor did He depend upon warm feelings to sustain His commitment. He demonstrated that love is a decision before it is a feeling.
In much the same way, we love our wife by choosing to listen, serve, engage, and remain curious about her heart. We offer our attention. We ask questions. We move toward her.
Love Is a Decision Before It Is a Feeling
As love matures, feelings of affection often follow behind. And this maturing love also creates the possibility of deeper intimacy.
Freed from our fantasies, we are finally able to know and be known. Our fantasies are no longer fig leaves hiding our true heart. We’re no longer trying to control her through our desires and expectations, and can now open her depth, unexpected beauty, and the many unpredictable contradictions of her personhood.
Moving Toward the Person You Married
We move toward her by asking questions.
By listening.
By forgiving.
By spending time together for no reason other than delighting in each other’s presence.
The fantasy is gone and the dream has been buried.
Our wife is not who we imagined she would be. And this is okay. She is a real person.
Finite and flawed. Yet beloved.
And every day marriage extends the same invitation:
