No one likes being punished. And naturally we do whatever we can to avoid it. But sometimes our fear of punishment causes us to fail in our duty to love. This seems especially true in marriage when we focus more on staying out of the doghouse than caring for the heart of our wife.
For instance, this might be deferring all the decisions for the family to her to avoid being wrong and triggering her frustration. Or this also might be overcorrecting to accommodate her moods – doing dishes, picking up groceries, or canceling plans to keep her from getting upset or shutting down. Likewise, we might withhold honest and needed feedback because we don’t want to rock the boat.
Whatever it looks like, the fear of her wrath and being sent to the doghouse motivates us more than actually loving and caring for her.
Of course, we don’t always have to push our agenda, there’s a place to modify plans, and not everything needs to be said. And all these can be done for the sake of love. But when they’re done as love they focus on bringing true goodness to our wife rather than simply keeping ourselves out of the doghouse.
Love does not operate in fear. And we cannot care for the heart of our wife when fear of punishment is our primary motivation. Ironically, the more we try to avoid the doghouse the more likely we’re to end up in it. It can be confusing when we’re doing all the right things but still cannot seem to win. It’s because our posture is rooted in selfish self-protection rather than a sacrificial love of our wife, and on some level she senses this.
In the end, do more than simply keeping your wife from getting mad. Learn to care for her heart more than you fear the doghouse.
