There’s a part of us that longs to be special and irreplaceable, unique and one-of-a-kind. And this plays out sexually as well – to know we matter to someone in a way no one else ever has or will. But this desire can quickly turn into envy when we fixate on novelty of experiences rather than the sacredness of our union in body and soul.
On the one hand, we desire to be uniquely chosen – to have the chance to drink the water from our own well rather than the water spilled in the streets. And there’s a holy jealousy here that seeks to honor and protect God’s best for us.
But all too often this desire turns into envy and we feel entitled to every novel experience sexually. For instance, we might find ourselves ruminating on our wife’s sexual past, and reluctant to engage in certain expressions with her because they no longer feel special to just us. To be sure there’s a place for grief, but we’re likely in the realm of envy when we become preoccupied with comparing our present with her past. There’s no grace or forgiveness on our part, just a growing resentment because there’s no longer a chance to be special or unique in the way we thought.
The better approach is learning how to take our deep desires to create something new together. We want a one-of-a-kind sex life, and this is still possible, but it requires us to mature and see things from a larger point of view.
The uniqueness we desire is ultimately discovered at the level of our soul and deep presence with each other, and not merely the physical acts we’ve engaged in or not. As such, every moment of our union is already unique because we’ve committed to give ourselves fully to each other in this time and place. Like virgins, we get to rediscover each other anew in each new season of life.
Of course, there’s still a quiet ache wishing the past was different, but we no longer allow this to rob us of the joy and ecstasy available today.
In the end, drink deeply of your sexual union without letting envy or false comparisons with the past rob you of its many delights. Today you get to experience depth of being and discover beauty in your own unique and special ways.
Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
