One of the gifts we bring to marriage is a level of emotional resilience – our ability to keep a cool head and a calm heart when emotional storms come ashore. And staying grounded keeps things from escalating and causing more damage. But grounded doesn’t mean disconnected. Love calls for us to be nonreactive yet intimately connected at the same time.
Of course, we’re not perfect and there will be many times in which we blow up, cave in, or run away when tensions rise in our marriage. But our practice of love includes growing in our ability to bring a level of emotional steadiness to our relationships, as this allows us to stay focused on the mission God has given us and not be taken out by the momentary ups and downs of this life.
All the same, this steadiness should not be confused with indifference. And all too often in our attempt not to add to the emotional storm brewing, we become detached and cold toward our wife. While our intent is noble, our effect is anything but love.
We must learn how to stay grounded in our emotions while staying connected to our wife at the same time. This means in part we lean in and create space for her emotional experience – entering her world and trying to see things from her point of view. And because this moment is about her, and not about us, we don’t have to get defensive even when she is lashing out.
Whatever it looks like, staying connected when things heat up communicates to her that her heart matters enough for us to stay engaged. This won’t always be easy, and wisdom will often invite us to moments of strategic retreat to care for our own souls. Even still, this doesn’t require a cold shoulder or to otherwise inadvertently punish her through our silent treatment.
In the end, offer your strength by remaining emotionally grounded in your relationships. And learn to stay connected as you do. Not reacting doesn’t require you to become emotionally distant or cold.
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