Part of the joy of marriage or friendship is sharing similar desires. We connect through our mutual interest and pursuits. But no two people will express their desires in the exact same way. And we must learn to dance with our different desires even when they’re not perfectly mirrored.
To be sure, it’s great when our desires seem perfectly synced with each other. We both enjoy the same conversations, activities, and interests, at the same rhythms and intensity. But more often than not we will express our desires in different ways even when we’re still heading in the same general direction.
For instance, our wife might be more concerned with enriching our bond with each other, while we might be more concerned with the mission God has given us in the world. We might seek to build intimacy in marriage through our sexual connection, while she might prefer quality time outside of the bedroom. And, even in the bedroom, we might want to swing from the chandeliers when she has no interest in this at all.
Whatever it looks like, there will be many moments in which our desires are not perfectly matched. And this is not an indication that something is wrong or that someone needs to change.
Part of maturity is discovering we each have our own unique set of desires and interests. And it’s a selfish immaturity that expects everyone to want what we want in the exact same way. Of course, we need some common ground or higher ideals to connect and partner with others in life. But this still allows for each to have his own freedom of expression. And we invite unnecessary frustration when we demand otherwise.
In the end, it can be disappointing when your desires are not perfectly mirrored by those closest to you. But learn to dance with these differences rather than letting them take you out. This is the path of growth and maturity.
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