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There’s a private side to our sexual selves – an internal world that is ours alone. And while we tend to focus on external doing, there’s a time to also reflect on and develop our internal being.

Since puberty, we were likely conditioned to approach sexuality with an external focus.

And, to be sure, this is not limited to sex.

Much of our culture is extroverted and encourages outer awareness. Less encouragement is given to developing inner awareness.

As such, we can become very competent in accomplishing the tasks of life while being disconnected from our heart and soul.

We’re the proverbial Tin Man – functional, but heartless.

And this often plays out in our sexual lives as well. There’s no problem with our external performance per se, there’s just little internal self to go along with it.

While we might have some basic awareness of our likes and dislikes, these are still focused on meeting external expectations rather than flowing from a deep sense of self.

And this is why our wives can still feel unloved even though we’re focusing our sexual energy on them.

When we’re disconnected from our inner world we’re more prone to treat others like a prop or fill-in character of our fantasies.

Without heart, we’re not people enjoying a moment of ecstasy with each other. Rather, we’re treated merely as bodies completing a task, however mutually pleasurable.

We cannot make a heart-to-heart connection in sex or otherwise when we’re disconnected from our own.

Much like emotional intelligence or spiritual formation, allowing for sexual introversion opens the door for us to develop our sexual selves – to reflect on and grow who we are as sexual beings.

Our sexuality remains shallow when we don’t take the time to develop this inner world.

Enjoy the many external delights of sexuality without neglecting your deep inner heart. This takes pleasure, intimacy, and love to a whole new level.

Photo by Kylo on Unsplash

Dr. Corey Carlisle

Licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist - providing Christian counseling and soul care to individuals and couples, with a special emphasis on developing the masculine soul. Suwanee, GA 30024

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