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We tend to think of sexuality in terms of what we do rather than who we are. And so if we are sexually active it would seem our sexuality is fully intact. But this is not always the case. Many of us live unwittingly with a disowned sexuality, which becomes the root to many ongoing frustrations in our sex life.

To be fair, few of us had intentional teachers to guide us toward a mature and embodied sexuality. Porn, peers, and silence were often our teachers, which often left our sexuality disembodied – not an integrated expression of body, soul, and spirit.

For some, this means having sex that is disconnected from the deep movements of their heart. And for others it becomes difficult to show up for sex at all as a lived reality outside of their mental fantasies. Either way, sex is not something that flows from the deep essence of their being. In fact, there is very little sense of a sexual self at all. And this is basic reality of a disowned sexuality.

In most cases, disowned here is best understood as never owned. Our identity is patched together exclusively by our external experiences without a corresponding internal anchor to ground us.  As such, our high drive might be less about the sex and more about our need for validation. We need the constant reassurance externally to try to fill the unnamed void we feel inside.

Likewise, we’re unable to give ourselves as a true gift to our wife because we have no Self to give. Perhaps we’re able to go through the motions for a while, but when dysfunction arise we’ll grow increasingly frustrated when medical interventions don’t seem to work. Our problem is not in the mechanics but rather a disowned or underdeveloped sense of our sexual selves. And the good news is that we can reclaim and develop this part of who we are.

In the end, consider again the root causes of your sexual frustrations. A disowned sexuality might be the culprit much more than the external factors otherwise so easily named.

Photo by DICSON on Unsplash

Dr. Corey Carlisle

Licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist - providing Christian counseling and soul care to individuals and couples, with a special emphasis on developing the masculine soul. Suwanee, GA 30024

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