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Why can’t my husband pay more attention to me? After we got married it seemed I was no longer a priority. What can I do to help him turn more toward me?

Editor’s Note: This article originally appeared on

This is a common complaint from many wives. They long for their husband’s attention, presence, and love, and cannot understand why he will not give it to them. They are left wondering: Why does work, or working out, or hanging out with his friends seem more important than being with me?

It is helpful to remember that in many cases, your husband’s attention elsewhere has nothing to do with you personally.

Men find great delight in accomplishing their life purpose and can easily adopt a one-track mind in order to complete their mission. This is often true whether the mission is spiritual aspirations, moving up the corporate ladder, or simply keeping up with the yard work. They are driven to accomplish tasks and are weary of any distractions. This is how God has designed them.

As such, your husband’s focused attention elsewhere is not a rejection of you personally. He is simply trying to minimize distractions and is likely not aware of how much this hurts you.

Nagging him to spend more time with you, scolding him for not, playing a guilt trip, or demanding he be more attentive rarely produces the quality time desired.  In fact, these behaviors actually increase the likelihood of him turning even further away from you.

What can you do to help him turn toward you? Here are three tips.

#1 – Support his mission

Because men are so driven to complete their life purpose, they have deep appreciation toward anyone who supports them, and deep resentment toward anyone who opposes. Support him in his big and small tasks, as well as his freedom to spend time with likeminded friends. This does not mean supporting his selfishness. Sometimes men need help realigning their tasks with a deeper purpose. Still, being one of his biggest cheerleaders arouses his heart toward you.

#2 – Offer him life

To accomplish their mission, men often are out of touch with the everyday rhythms and richness of life. Your gift of life enlivens his dry and driven heart. This helps him to remember there’s more to life than simply completing the next task. Consider offering life by tenderly rubbing his shoulders, bringing him his favorite beverage, or preparing a sensual meal for him to enjoy. Ideally, this is your free gift to him with no strings attached. However, if your husband has any sensitivity, his heart will turn toward you with gratitude for bringing joy and beauty into his life.

# 3 – Seduce him

Seduce him, sexually and beyond. Use the power of your feminine presence to get his attention and invite him into life. Beauty is seductive. Radiate uninhibited joy and the pleasure of life. Sing. Dance. Share with him your true happiness. Share with him your desire and ache to be with him sexually; this is a huge turn-on for most men!

In our modern society, some of these suggestions might seem outdated or sexist. However, our sexual anatomy reminds us that there is a way things work. Masculinity is drawn (in)to femininity.

So, while men may be rigid and driven in their life tasks, they are also utterly captivated by the soft sweetness of femininity. Nagging, scolding, and demanding are ultimately unsuccessful in turning your husband’s heart toward you for these very reasons. As these behaviors are not soft and inviting, they are decidedly unsexy and unattractive to your husband.

To turn your husband’s masculine heart toward you, embrace the allure and the power of your feminine presence. Support his mission, offer him life, and seduce him into a passionate and loving marriage with you.

Followup by Dr. Jessica McCleese: How to get your wife to stop nagging you and initiate sex more often

Dr. Corey Carlisle

Licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist - providing Christian counseling and soul care to individuals and couples, with a special emphasis on developing the masculine soul. Suwanee, GA 30024

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