We have sex for many different reasons. Sometimes we’re motivated by the warm and positive vibes between each other. And at other times basic horniness drives us. But occasionally, there’s no natural desire for sex and we must still decide as an act of love toward our wife.

Certainly, it’s easier to move toward each other when we’re overflowing with sexual energy. And it’s not unreasonable to expect and want such desires present in our encounters more often than not.

But love calls us to a higher standard. Love calls us to provide what is needed and not merely what we want to give.

There may be times in which we have no physical urge or natural affection to make love with our wife. But the ritual of sex is needed all the same – answering the deep needs of her soul more than what’s simply convenient for us.

This is not an easy position to take. In fact, it’s extremely difficult to even consider making love with our wife after being on the receiving end of her nagging, criticism, or disrespect.

And, to be fair, we might need some time apart to do our own soul care and healing before moving back toward each other.

But the standard of love remains. And we don’t get to withhold sex just because we’re not in the mood or we don’t like the way she talks to us.

This is not becoming a doormat and avoiding tough conversations in the name of love.  There might be many issues and how we treat each other that still need to be confronted directly.

But the practice of love calls us to grow in providing what’s needed unconditionally, which sometimes includes sex.

Practice true lovemaking – letting sex be a decision to love and not based merely on how you feel.


  • Hello! I really enjoy your articles as they have been very helpful in my journey to sexual wholeness. I like this article very much and agree with it however, I don’t understand how one can have sex when there is no sexual urge or desire. What would that look like? Giving your body and mind to have it? Even if you don’t get aroused and enjoy that particular session? And, I always hear my husband say that its no fun if I’m not fully into it/not aroused. He says he would rather wait until I am in the mood.
    I’m interested in hearing how to have sex when not in the mood. I really don’t understand. Thanks!

    • Dr. Corey Carlisle says:

      Thank you for your comments! I’d phrase it more as deciding to wholeheartedly offer ourselves to our spouse in order to bring sexual delight, being as creative as necessary depending on how aroused or “in the mood” we might be. The focus here is more on our heart attitudes and presence with each other – exercising our freedom to choose love even sexually.

      A few related thoughts are posted in Fully present sex and Love is free.

  • I believe I understand. The article “Sexual Wholeness” also shed some light on the matter. It’s a love thing! (hey, wasn’t there a song with those very words in it? Disco!)
    Lol! Anyways, thank you. I look forward to reading more of your articles.

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