A few couples are pretty closely matched in terms of their ideal sexual frequency. But, for most couples, one spouse tends to desire greater frequency than the other. And while this is stereotypically the husband, this is not always the case in real life. It’s not uncommon for a wife to occasionally have a higher drive for sex than her husband. But whether we’re the high or the low desire spouse, this becomes an opportunity to grow in our practice of love.
For instance, when we’re the high desire spouse, it’s easy to grow frustrated and demanding. And while it’s okay for us to be disappointed when we’re not having sex as often as we would like, it’s not okay for us to use this as an excuse to sin.
Likewise, even when our expectations are reasonable, this doesn’t mean we still can’t be refined. For example, perhaps we need to learn how to express our desires in a way that reflects our true heart – elevating our speech to show we care for our wife’s heart and not just her body. Or maybe this is learning to care for the things important to her even outside of the bedroom. Whatever it looks like, we’re using our high drive to fuel our efforts to love our wife as Christ loved the church, including the many costly sacrifices this will require.
And this remains true when we’re the low desire spouse as well. Here selfishness can also play out when we only say yes to sex on our terms. To be sure, love is not dependent on ideal conditions. And this might mean a decision to rise to the occasion sexually even when there’s no natural desire and it’s otherwise disruptive to our day’s agenda. Love calls us to move toward our wife and not leave her feeling rejected while keeping ourselves comfortable.
In the end, love remains our guiding principle whether sex is more or less than we naturally desire. This is not disregarding our own heart, but simply remembering the costly obedience required to love as Christ.
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